Emotional leakage out of the blue...

This is not chapter 2, I will do that sometime this week, but I simply can't blog about Hawaii day after day (the main reason because I'm having a hard time remembering each day in order).

WARNING: Not a terribly happy entry, but had to get it out!

Yesterday, hubbie and I were on our way down to church where the priest who married us was going to be doing the mass. We needed a little change of scenery for the day. We passed by a ginormous well known cemetery and as hubbie tried to recall the name of said cemetery, I recalled that I hadn't visited my family's grave site in a while which includes my grandparents (on my father's side), my dad, my great uncle and various other (father's side of the family) relatives that I didn't really get to know but always heard about. As I recalled to mind that I hadn't been to the family grave site in a while, I turned to hubbie and the following took place.

me: Can we buy a wreath on our way home and stop at the cemetery?
hubbie: Yes!

(Dialog was over at this point.)

me: (within seconds of very short, brief almost non existent conversation between hubbie and me...I was crying uncontrollably and it was no use trying to hide it, hubbie quickly found me out and said...

hubbie: Wow, crying because I said "Yes!" (he said jokingly of course just to help!)

**sigh**

Truth is, I'm not too sure why I cried. I have a pretty good feeling it's because I miss my dad. In recent weeks I've found myself wishing he were still here (in a nursing home or not...I'm not picky...I'd take him any way I could get him), and able to give me a big hug and tell me he loves me and that he can't wait to meet his new grandchild. And then to have him actually meet his new grandchild. People tell me, he's around and he can see and he will see the baby, etc. and that's all well and good, but it's just not the same. Nothing can replace the real thing. While they may not remember him or meeting him or knowing him, my 3 nieces and nephews who did meet him are so lucky as are their parents whether they know it or not. To me, there is something so comforting and beautiful about a grandparent knowing their grandchild. I guess from personal experience, I only met and knew one of my 4 grandparents. I heard many stories about what a wonderful man my father's father was, but I wasn't even thought of when he passed away and I wish I could have at least a picture with him and my mother's parents that I can look at, even if I don't remember the moment because I was too small or something like that.

So we went to mass and then went and scoped out a wreath and headed for the cemetery. When we got there, sure enough my family's graves were right where I left them the last time I was there, imagine that! (sorry, had to lighten the moment cause I was sobbing)

Dad and grandma's ashes were buried together (in separate containers of course) a couple years ago and it dawned on me, we really have to come up with some sort of headstone for their spot. I felt awful there wasn't anything to say their names and dates, etc. Hmmmm...Perhaps a New Years resolution to get that taken care of in some way...maybe.

Hubbie asked all sorts of questions about the other family members buried there and who they were and I tried to recollect as much as possible.

Tried to attache the picture I took, but my stupid Treo isn't cooperating. I'll try and go back and get a picture with my real camera and post it later.

I stood there for a while, just pondering what was, what is and what would've been (sorry AK, I know you hate shoulds and oughts but this one was warranted). And I turned to hubbie, rested my head on his chest and just sobbed in his arms. And between sobs was able to utter, "I just wish my dad was here" and "I wish dad could've met our baby"!

It was an emotional roller coaster and I know it's not the end of it. I know as the baby's due date approaches I'll be thinking about my dad and how I wish he were here. And in my heart of hearts I know he sees me and will see our new baby, but there's nothing like being here in person and as many times as I took it for granted, I wish I hadn't.